The anti-agenda-driven life: Lessons in slowing down from my three-year-old

By Katherine

You can take the girl out of the rat race, you can’t take the relentless pursuit of accomplishment out of this girl very easily. I’m not even referring to the pursuit of paid work accomplishments, I’m referring to checking domestic tasks off a list like it's a religion:

- Wake up √

- Make nutritious yet delicious breakfast √

- Fight Child to eat nutritious yet delicious breakfast √

- Brush teeth √

- Get dressed √

- Take Child to school √

- Do work work (see separate to-do list) √

- Come up with cool, afterschool art project √

- Pick up Child√

- Fight Child to participate in cool, afterschool art project√

- Clean up cool, afterschool art project √

- Figure out how to cleverly display cool, afterschool art project √

- Make nutritious yet delicious dinner √

- Fight Child to eat nutritious yet delicious dinner √

- Come up with unique, evening activity that will last until bath time but not overstimulate or exceed the start of designated bath time √

- Fight Child to participate in unique, evening activity when what she really wants to do is run in circles through the dandelions until well past designated bath time √

- Put Child to bed √

- Start knitting hat of organic wool for baby on the way; finish at least 30 rows √

Sometimes, I still need to mark those checks to feel satisfied, but it’s a bad habit. Yes, being organized and addicted to Post-Its can help streamline your daily tasks, but I’ve found that my maniacal adherence to the to-do list often keeps me from truly achieving the slower, more mindful lifestyle I pride myself on seeking.

I call this the “30-minute-meal" problem. I love to cook, but still I struggle with this deep-seated notion from my former rat race days (and thanks, I guess, to Rachael Ray) that dinner should take no longer than 30 minutes to make lest I risk sub-optimizing (there’s a classic, invented corporate word!) my time for truly productive activities such as making more to-do lists.

There’s a lot of so-called “green” or “simple living” media out there that will feed and enable this fast-paced, overscheduled lifestyle by doing really ridiculous things such as rating the best frozen, organic pizzas from Wal-Mart or advertising the newest accordion file folders made from recycled paper, all under the ruse of helping you simplify your life.

Thankfully, my three-year-old is derailing my underlying taskmaster ways on a daily basis. Just getting out the front door with her is a lesson in detour and distraction and learning to live in the moment. Here’s what typically happens when we try to go anywhere (as seen through the eyes of my daughter):

“Oh look there’s a piece of lint on the floor! Let me pick it up and wonder aloud about from where it might have come for at least five minutes. Is it fur from the doggie, Mommy? Maybe it’s a leaf from outside. Maybe it’s a dead bug. I think it’s a bug. Is it a dead bug, Mommy? O.K., I’ll put on my shoes. But wait! First I have to sing “The ABC Song” three times in a row right here, right now! O.K., O.K., I’ll put on my shoes. Oh, but which ones should I wear today? The brown ones? The black ones? My sandals? Is it cold today, Mommy? Let me check. [Cue opening the front door with chubby little hands, which takes 35 excruciating seconds.] Oh, it’s warm. Oh, look there’s a worm on the porch! Let’s look at the worm and talk about the worm for at least seven minutes. O.K., O.K., I’ll put on my shoes. But wait! Let me jump over the threshold. Did you see me jump, Mom? Let me do it again. And again and again. I can jump high! Look, I can do a jumping jack! Can you do a jumping jack? Mommy, show me how you do a jumping jack! O.K., I’ll put on my shoes. Oh wait, I have to go potty. [Cue going potty and then washing hands for an excruciating two minutes while singing “The Happy Birthday Song” four times to ensure total germ elimination per Mommy’s previous requests.] O.K., I’ll put on my shoes. Oh look, there are my rain boots! Is it raining? I love my rain boots. Should I wear my rain boots today? Why isn’t it raining? When is it going to rain again, Mommy? Where does rain come from, Mommy? O.K., I’ll put on my shoes. Wait, I have to go potty again.

By this point, I’m fuming and frantically staring at my watch. And where are we headed that it’s so important we get there within the time designated on my to-do list? To the park for free play!

Vegetable gardening; learning to knit; taking time for long nature walks with your spouse or your dog or your kid; making your own laundry detergent—these activities are unsustainable and will only drive you crazier unless you learn to free up your schedule, change your overall philosophy and understand that “Life is a marathon, not a sprint.”

My husband and I taught that saying to the Quechuan hiking guide who’d led us through the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu for our recent second honeymoon. During a particularly grueling day summiting “Dead Woman’s Pass,” he’d asked us to recite English clichés and idioms to test his understanding, and the marathon bit was his favorite one. It’s not surprising, considering that he spends his days leading overstressed, overworked North Americans in their quests to slow down, unplug and play primitives for four-day-long slogs through the Andes.

I like this phrase too, but after a few years of trying hard to slow down and simplify and learning to live with an anti-agenda-driven child, I would add that life is not a race at all—though it will challenge your stamina and endurance—it’s a meandering journey, and you should get off course early and often to enjoy the scenery and refuel with Gatorade.

And if you want the ability to live a simpler, greener lifestyle, take a lesson from this recovering list-aholic and a typical three-year-old: Leave ample time in your day for spontaneous songs and impromptu jumping jacks. And take a lot of potty breaks.

If you need more inspiration, check out these books and other resources:

Voluntary Simplicity: Toward a Way of Life That Is Outwardly Simple, Inwardly Rich (Revised edition), by Duane Elgin

In Praise of Slowness: How a Worldwide Movement is Challenging the Cult of Speed, by Carl Honoré

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross

Slow Food USA